Cao Cao Answers Letters
by Nan Ma
Summary: As Prime Minister, Cao Cao gets a lot of mail, some of which he wish he didn't have to answer. He answers anyways. All your favorite DW characters writing in!
1. Chapter 1

Cao Cao believes that answering letters in one of the most stressful and facepalming duties of a ruler. This is portrayed in the form of his letters, which offer some insight into his perspective on the happenings of the three kingdoms. Although this is _not _an interaction-based story of any sort, we're always open to new ideas if you want to suggest anything.

Thanks from the three of us!

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

No thank you. Mine is bigger, longer, and harder than yours. I am perfectly happy with mine, and my wife, all my concubines, and Xiahou Dun all think it is just fine. In fact, I just took him out for a ride on it today and he mentioned that even though he didn't like it at first he rather enjoys going with me now, although I was going to fast and could afford to pace it a little slower. Plus, I already have a skin that covers it when it's not in use.

In conclusion, I don't want to trade carriages. Thank you for the offer anyways.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

I have absolutely no clue where you got the idea that I want the Qiao sisters. I do not want the Qiao sisters and never did. Not then, not now.

I believe all the confusion started with something I said in Chi Bi. Let me set this straight. What I said was, I recall, was "Oh yes, and we can put those annoying little kids in with the monkeys and Prettyboy with my concubines." Firstly, I was being_ sarcastic._ I hope you have sarcasm where you come from. Secondly, if I had to follow through with that, let me remind you, _YOU_ are the aforementioned Prettyboy so unless you want to end up here in the women's quarters, do not insist on me following through with that!

I was never in any way interested in putting the Xiao sisters in Luoyang State Zoo. Yes, I assure you it has adequate facilities for caring for all sorts of creatures, and yes, if they were there they would be excellently taken care of, fed, kept warm, and given mobiles to keep them stimulated, but the point is _we don't want them._ Last time they came here even the guinea pigs got scared.

First, you were trying to sell them to me. Now, you're offering me money to take them off your hands. Isn't that a bit suspicious? You are probably trying to assassinate me or something.

* * *

Dear Sun Shangxiang,

I am sorry to hear of your troubles with your husband. Yes, it must be annoying to have Midget Dragon follow you around everywhere making sure you do not follow your free will and set fire to his capitol… Do not worry; I understand what you say _perfectly._ It is only natural that some women prefer the friendship of men and the romantic relations with other women. In fact, I forwarded your letter to my oldest son's second concubine, a very intelligent women who sympathizes with your pains.

But I am sorry, it simply would not be a wise move for me to head south and launch a full-scale attack on Shu so that you can escape. You carry the all-too-common misconception that I have the manpower and resources to take over all of China any time I want. I assure you if this were the case I would do so as fast as I could. I am afraid that I cannot spare a couple hundred thousand men to attack Shu at the moment.

You have my sympathies. Please continue to be yourself and give Liu Bei as big a headache as you can.

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

To answer your previous requests… Oh, yes, of course you may meet with Guan Yu. Yes, you may 'be yourself.' Of course you can wear whatever you like, anything for such a close general, and I am sending you the dress you requested with this letter. Yes, you may press sexual advances on him. No, I won't blame you if he develops feelings for you. Zhang Liao presents his warmest regards for that idea and says, if I can quote, "Oh hell yes please go for it anything to keep beardy away from me." Something along that line.

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

First of all, let me say that I appreciate your concern for my son and that it is a fine thing for you to care about the next generation of your enemies. It is a heartwarming thing indeed to write me of your concerns.

However, as much as we value your support, Cao Pi is not gay. He is interested in three things: women, war, and shiny things. As far as I am concerned, he is the least gay of all of us here in Wei.

But of course I would fully support him if he was gay. I would never disown him solely based on his sexuality, although what he said about my poetry is certainly grounds for that. No, I would not attempt to heterosexualize him, partially because I would accept him for who he is, but mostly because _I'M _gay.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning:

I cannot understand your letter. The entire thing is a mass of lower class slang and bad handwriting. Use proper grammar, imbecile. And next time please do not write letters to me while drunk.

Well, I certainly did not know that about Ling Tong. But I will certainly keep that in mind. Thank you.

* * *

Dear Ling Tong,

Sorry, I got Gan Ning's letter first.

* * *

Dear Ma Chao,

Are you so sure about that? Gan Ning killed Ling Tong's father too, and now they're shoving their tongues down each others' throats.

You do not need to hate me so much. It will not end well for you. If you continue following this tainted justice of yours, you will realize your goals had no point!

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

No, I did not mean to send Ma Chao off on a distant soul-searching journey! No, that was definitely not my intent. I was only making fun of him. No, I do not know where he is. I am sorry, I cannot be held responsible for his angsty teenageness. Good luck, though.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

NO we cannot put them in with the monkeys. Let me restate: _I was kidding. _Monkeys are actually almost intelligent creatures. I'm sure they would be offended.

* * *

Xiahou Dun,

Dun-Dun, thank the gods that finally I get a letter that doesn't make me want to take a swandive off of the top of the watchtower! Yes, I will be glad to see you again. Good work on the border. Keep it up. It is so stressful here these days that I just feel like getting away from it all.

* * *

Dun,

No, I am not considering suicide! I was joking! No, I am not going to kill myself, and no, _do not send out_ a message saying that I've died! No, I repeat, no, I am _not_ going to die right now! Don't worry! No, when said I wanted to get away from it all, I meant I wanted to take a vacation, not send myself to the afterlife!

* * *

Dun,

NO, DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE! I'm not asking _you_ to commit suicide either! Don't worry! You have not caused me as much undue anxiety and stress as some of these other letters! Sometimes I wish they just never came in the first place! No, do not kill yourself!

* * *

Dun,

I'm not asking you to stop the postal service either! I appreciate you trying to be helpful, but please, do not worry about me. It is just so hectic with the borders going- nevermind, just come home.

* * *

Dun,

You're overthinking it.


	2. Chapter 2

lol, Adeline has like taken over. jkjk.  
Wow we're really glad that you guys like this! We love your reviews! It makes us (or at least Kathy lol) want to write more!

* * *

Dear Sima Yi,

Let me tell you how simply delighted I am to hear from you again. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, as you would not dare plot an uprising in my plain sight. I was also worried about you because I heard that bandits had carried off all the women in a certain village near where you were stationed, and I was not sure if you had mistakenly been abducted too.

Thank you for keeping me up to date on the happenings around you. I am glad to hear that you have been keeping well and healthy enough to plot an insurrection. As for your problem, I would advise gathering a few fit men and charging in quickly for a surprise attack and lopping off all the heads immediately, to continue the advantage of surprise. Be quick and brutal with your attack. And be careful, for cattle can be vicious and I know you enjoy a bit of beef once in a while.

As for around here, the situations are generally the same. We have had some minor problems with assassins, but I have become more ridiculously paranoid than ever so that is fine. Someone attempted to kill me by putting poison in my herbal tea, but the assassin was unaware that certain compounds, when mixed together, react violently and suddenly, so I am fine.

I have also been wearing my knife-proof vest, and I have my secret guard and secret passageways that everyone knows exists but no one knows where ready, in case any high-ranking official tries to make an attempt on my life or my power. Plans are only plans, after all, and there are some people who just _explode _when things don't work out the way they calculated. Those are the people who head to the chopping block first, mind you. But of course I know you are a dutiful and loyal subject who would never even consider betrayal of the worst kind.

Good luck with your dinner.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

No, I do not know where Ma Chao is. Yes, I will see if I can put up those Missing Person posters and the info sheet you sent. We only need measurements of body parts outside places that a loincloth would cover, but thank you all the same for too much information. Yes, I will inform everyone of the reward for his safe return.

However, I must also let you know that I have posted a reward myself. And mine does not require anything more than his head, much less a safe return. And I am offering more than twenty dollars, a bag of old rock candy, and a hug. So you must hope that whoever finds Ma Chao first has a sweet tooth and an IQ of about 25. Best of luck to you, Little Dragon.

* * *

Dear Sima Yi,

I am glad to hear that the cattle butchering went well. But no, I did not mean to suggest that I am superior to or more skilled than you in the ways of slaughtering livestock. I was simply imparting potentially helpful advice, which, as you can see worked. No, I am not implying that you are any less competent or inferior to me, or that you would make a worse ruler.

Xiahou Dun came back yesterday, and the assassination attempts have stopped because as you know he is a vigilant guard. I am confident that attempts at insurrection will not work while he is around me. And I intend to keep him here, just so you know.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

I understand that _your _guinea pigs have accepted Xiao Qiao as one of their own. However, let me assure you, _mine_ do not. I am happy that she is getting along well with other small-brained, squeaky animals. I appreciate that peer-to-peer companionship is very important for everyone. Good job finding her friends. You are a good husband to her, even if you are gay for the late Sun Ce and trying to get me to put your wife in Luoyang State Zoo so you don't have to deal with her.

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

Cousin, it has been to long. I have been reading about your successes south and my heart goes to you for every one of them.

It makes me glad in my soul to hear that you are returning back north soon. There were times when I thought I had lost you. But I suppose even the largest floods cannot stop you.

Do not worry. It is acceptable that you ate your horse. After all, horses are only fairly expensive, but you are priceless.

* * *

Dear Cao Ren:

What do you mean _all _the horses?

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Yes, thank you for sharing that. I will certainly keep that in mind if I ever find myself naked in a bed with Ling Tong.

Let me warn you, it is not a good idea to write letter drunk. I can barely read your handwriting.

* * *

Dear Ling Tong:

Yes, he did. Yes, he did that too. Yes, I received Gan Ning's letter.

But out of curiosity. _Can_ you really do that?

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Well, your letter was in a bottle and directed to the Gods, but I received it anyways when it got stuck in my house's plumbing and cost me gods-knows-how-much for the repairman to fix it…

I must say, I can sympathize, especially with your feelings that you are the only sane one and working in the company of total morons. And it is too often that I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder why the world works the way it does, which is to say not at all. Yes, the wide majority of the population has the sense of a starving chipmunk. Absolutely! Yes, it is awful! It makes me want to scream!

And that paperwork! You start out a system that you think will keep everything in control and everything right on target, but it turns out everything gets tangled up and you still need to do the paperwork anyways! It just causes chaos! Massive amounts of chaos! And they call me the Hero of Chaos! I thought it meant that I created order in a crumbling dynasty, not that my paperwork blew out the window!

And who does the work? Who does the work, I ask?

But the worst part? The worst part is that if you tell anyone else they'll claim you're either crazy or arrogant or stupid as them! It isn't that way! When you're the only one with a working brain you're the only one working!

Sometimes I _hate_ the world!

By the way, here is the plumber's bill. Thank you.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

No, I assure you, the guinea pigs here are different from your guinea pigs. For one they, they do not wear pink frilly dresses and bounce up and down squeaking "Yay I won I won."

* * *

Dear Ma Chao,

Well, I never know what to say when someone tells me that I have flipped over his mind and totally changed the way the world works for him… But, you welcome?

Your friend Zhao Yun has been looking for you. I think you should send him something to tell him that you are all right. I would send it myself but this letter has no return address.

But listen, Ma Chao… A cult where you pay money to enter and pay money to get up in rank and pay money to get to the truth of the universe? I would advise you to beware of that. I would also advise you to get out of there as soon as possible.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Here is the letter Ma Chao sent to me. I think he got scammed. You might want to look for him harder.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Lu Meng,

Thank you for pouring all your inner turmoil out to me. I am flattered that you chose to confide in me if only because anything I say about you people will think that I am slandering you. I am also a little bit disturbed, but that is beside the point. Also, thank you for the vivid descriptions of your troubles. I shall treasure it and archive it under Confiscated Pornography.

If you are that concerned about having sex with your little student, why don't you just stop? Lu Xun is an understanding boy, after all. Anyways, is that not something called pedophilia?

* * *

Dear Xiahou Yuan,

Thank you for your letter and last night.

I was exhausted after our time together! I thought that we would never get there, but we did, didn't we? You certainly shot out a lot. It was certainly good to get some fresh air, but I am still pulling grass out of my hair. In addition, my rear is still very sore from our activity.

Next time, I will try to prepare the bows and arrows faster so that we can finish hunting ducks before the sun sets. And remind me to bring a seat cushion.

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

I am sorry, but as I have never had sex with my son or anyone who I consider a son, I cannot quite empathize. May I suggest a therapist?

Once again, thank you for your vivid descriptions. I will try to get the images out of my head as soon as possible.

* * *

Dear Sun Shangxiang,

I understand that it must be difficult for you right now, what with you being confined to the inner chambers. Zhao Yun is running amok in the countryside looking for Ma Chao, so it is understandable that he is not available to escort you. But it is excellent that you are keeping your spirits up. And I absolutely think that making Liu Bei's life a living hell and harassing his Tiger Generals at every available opportunity is a wonderful way for a young girl like you to pass the time. I recommend that you continue it.

As for your request for new pranks, what I have enclosed here is a top-secret diagram that I have never shown to anyone, and I trust that you will not reveal it to a soul either. It is a sketch of the famous Giant Carnivorous Bird Droppings prank I used when I was a boy. As I recall, it was very effective. It should be fairly simple to get the materials. It should prove to be good for you. It would be a good one to use on Liu Bei, no? Try not to get caught. And if you do, do not tell a soul that it was I who sent the instructions.

Of course I am not the 'evil puppy-eating baby-killing priest-whipping evil from the far north' that you write of. I am always glad to assist the next generation.

Keep your chin up, Younger Lady Wu! Tell me how it goes!

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

I am writing to warn you that recently a flock of carnivorous birds has descended upon my kingdom and bought about an unholy plague. It was simply horrible, as they swooped down on the land eating up every human in sight and making anyone even distantly related to the imperial line impotent. These birds were only appeased by an offering of all military work on the border stopping for a month and the sentries in every watchtower replaced by deaf mimes. I saw them swoop off in your direction.

I wish you the best of luck.

* * *

Dear Zhen Ji,

Thank you for your concerns. My health is fine, the weather is fine, and the emperor does not suffer from that kind of dysfunction but thank you for asking all the same.

If you believe that Guo Nuwang is plotting to turn Cao Pi against you, I am afraid that there is not much I can do. This is a personal conflict between you and your husband, _not_ between you, your husband, Liu Bei, Huang Gai, the butcher, the pageboy, and me. But yes, I will do my best to ensure that you are still invited to Cai Fan's birthday banquet.

* * *

Dear Guo Nuwang,

Thank you for your concerns. My health is fine, the weather is fine, and Xiahou Dun does not suffer from that kind of dysfunction but thank you for asking all the same.

If you believe that Zhen Ji is plotting to take Cao Pi back, I am afraid that there is not much I can do. This is a personal conflict between you and your husband, _not _between you, your husband, Liu Bei, Huang Gai, the butcher, the pageboy, and me. And if Cai Fan wants her at his party, it is not my place to interfere.

* * *

Dear Cao Pi,

Thank you for your concerns. My health is fine, the weather is fine, and I do not suffer from that kind of dysfunction but thank you for asking all the same.

If you believe that your two ladies are crazy, you are probably correct. But I am afraid that there is not much I can do. This is a personal conflict that exists between you and your wives, _not_ you, your wives, Liu Bei, Huang Gai, the butcher, the pageboy, and me, note the last item on that list.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

I am sorry, we do not have hamsters here, but even if we did, no, I don't want Xiao Qiao.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Thank you for the invitation. I will keep that in mind. Please stop writing to me while drunk.

* * *

Dear Ling Tong,

Just so you know, your pirate just invited me to have as much "hot mind-blowing ten-way sex" with Lu Meng, Lu Xun, Taishi Ci, yourself, and himself as "my evil dirty little mind" can possibly take. Although I have no intention of taking him up on his offer, I thought that it might warn you so that you can beware of whoever the other four invitees are.

* * *

Dear Xiao Qiao.

Thank you very much for the very pretty picture you drew for me. It is very pretty and cute. I love the colors. The bunnies are very cute.

* * *

Dear Xiao Qiao,

I am sorry; I thought they were rabbits. No, they are very pretty anyways. You drew a very pretty picture of your family.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

I have recently received the drawings from your wife Xiao Qiao. Is this some sort of petty revenge?

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

Yes, that was my general Zhang He, a very unique and memorable individual, no? I am glad to know that you had the chance to meet him outside of battle. No, I did not order her to sexually assault you. He came out of his own free will to meet with you out of admiration and respect. Zhang He speaks nothing but honorable words for you. I would hope that you do the same for him, aside from your previous letter of course. You might as well indulge him to show your self-control, generosity, and nobility.

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

No, I was not aware that complimenting him would make him think that. As I have previously stated, I did not give him any orders to harass you in that way. I would offer you my sincerest apologies, but I cannot help it if he took your compliment as a come-on. And I cannot help it if now everyone saw him kiss you and now your entire army thinks you're gay. Do not worry, I understand perfectly well that the kiss was Zhang He's doing and that you are not gay for him.

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

Oh yes, I heard about Guan Yu. Yes, of course I was very surprised. Of course I will be supportive of his decision to come out. Absolutely, I am glad to hear that he finally got the courage to be himself. In fact, you should write lots of letters to Guan Yu telling him how excellent it is that he has come out.

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

I believe that Guan Yu is simply shy. You see, sometimes when men are afraid of being hurt, they tend to draw in on themselves. Such is the case with Guan Yu. No, I am positive the dress was stunning on you and that you looked absolutely gorgeous. No, he does not hate you! On the contrary, I think he likes you very much. But as I said, he is probably nervous, and it probably would take a lot more effort on your part to get him to open up.

* * *

Dear Zhang Liao,

You are very welcome. Anything for you, of course. I believe that you owe most of your thanks to Zhang He, though.

* * *

Dear Ma Chao,

Zhao Yun is only looking out for you by going after the heads of your so-called religion. And goodness no, I have absolutely no clue how he found out that you joined up with them! But for the last time, Su-An-Ta-Lo-Ji[1] is not a religion, or at least not in Wei. And no, I do not believe that I, much less you, am an eternal being who just lost touch of whatever you are talking about. Just to tell you, you are being scammed.

Where to find the answers to everything now? For one, thing, you can go back to Shu and tell Liu Bei that no, I did not kidnap you for profane sexual reasons, as he has been claiming.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Let me say it again: I do not want Xiao Qiao. I believe that she is your problem. Although finding her a warm, loving home with children and a white picket fence is an admirable goal, I believe that she is much better of far, far, far away from my sanity and me.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I completely agree! They are crazy if they expect us to work like that all day and night. I do not suppose that it has occurred to other people that persons such as us might, oh, I don't know, keel over dead from stress and exhaustion?

It comes with the package, I suppose. To be trusted and seen the way we are requires a reputation, which in turn requires the expenditure of large amounts to effort to maintain. We always have to act nonplussed and cool about everything, as if our backs are not threatening to break, and say things like "Oh don't worry. Piece of cake. They won't stand a chance; leave it to me." And then we have to act like we can snap our fingers and everything does itself.

WELL nothing does itself!

And yes, I concur on what you said about delegating responsibility? The more we delegate it the more it comes back in larger amounts! I had an assistant once. Never worked. He came back to me on _everything,_ and it was like just doing it myself but with the addition of having to explain it aloud to a moron.

Would you like to come over to tea sometime? That is, if we can organize our schedules and find a day where neither of us is lying dead from overwork. I am free two months from now.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Four years from tomorrow sounds excellent. I look forward to seeing you.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Actually six years would be better. Something just came up for that spot four years away, you see.

* * *

[1]Su-An-Ta-Lo-Ji: Say it as if it was one word. If you listen closely it sounds like Scientology.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys! Kathy and Lin are still on Winter Break but Adeline's not, so this one took longer!

We are SO glad that you guys are liking and reading this! Whooohooo! Thanks so much you guys!

* * *

Dear Sima Yi,

I am sorry; I have temporarily forgotten the location of my assassination poisons cabinet. And oh my, I have also temporarily forgotten to tell you I had new booby traps installed. And to top it all off, I have forgotten which one of my well-guarded security rooms I put the key in. Please excuse my forgetfulness.

Just a tip. The tar from the face-marking trap can be removed by talc powder.

* * *

Dear Guan Ping,

Thank you for your letter. I am happy to know that you look up to me as a mature adult who can give proper guidance in those matters. However, as for your questions on what Zhang He was describing to the General Guan Yu, I believe that it would be better to ask your father.

* * *

Dear Guan Ping,

If your father will not tell you what the nonmilitary kind of a Full Frontal Assault is, he is probably not telling you for a reason. Also, I believe that your father is a much better source of information on how to ask a superior officer for anal intercourse. And do not bring Xiahou Dun into this.

* * *

Dear Guan Ping,

Size only matters if you think it does. Please, just ask your father. I am not the right person to inform you about these things.

* * *

Dear Guan Ping,

Babies come from Taoist priests. When a mother and a father love each other very much, a Taoist priest rides a crane to their house and drops off a baby.

Is that good enough for you?

* * *

Dear Guan Ping,

If your father said that babies come from giant rice stalks, he is sadly misinformed. I assure you, they come from the sky.

* * *

Dear Guan Ping,

Nevermind, I do not know better than your father; your father is right, and therefore you should ask _him_ about all this instead of me.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, I am aware that Xiao Qiao can do tricks. Yes, I am aware that she would make amusing entertainment for house guests. But no, I do not think that my children would like her, and besides, whenever they ask for a pet, they are entertained for a week or so until the novelty wears off and I am invariably the one who ends up taking care of said pet, so no, I will not adopt her as a house pet. Thank you for the offer though.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Thank you for your letter. Ling Tong must be very flexible then. I will keep that in mind.

* * *

Dear Ling Tong,

I hope this letter finds you in good health and that you are aware that General Gan has been sending me many drunken letters describing your private sex life, among other things that I believe you would not want me to know. As much as I appreciate knowing more about what unnatural positions you can assume than anyone should, I would like to kindly request that you stop him, for I do not think he even reads my replies.

* * *

Dear Ling Tong,

Yes, I do understand that General Gan is not under your jurisdiction. But please try to get him to stop describing how far you can spread your legs. Although I was very impressed, I believe that this is your private life, not mine.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

Thank you for your letter. Yes, I am a mature man, and yes, I know about such things, but although I appreciate the respect, but I have no idea why the various young people of all the kingdoms think that I am some sort of sex education teacher. This is absolutely not the case. I believe this is a subject best broached with your superior officers.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

Thank you for your letter. No, I did not tell Guan Ping anything. Yes, there is more than one kind of Full Frontal Assault. No, I am not telling you what the other kinds are. Please, take this subject up with the other men of Wu.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

No, it is not true that if you leave a block of bean curd out for too long it turns into a baby and you become a parent. No, you do not have to be careful where you leave your bean curd. No, eating an old piece of bean curd is not cannibalism. Please, ask an older officer of Wu about these matters.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Thank you for your letter. It does not matter that she has had all her immunizations, insurance, paperwork, and comes with her own supplies. I do not want Xiao Qiao anywhere near me. Have you tried putting her on that new public posting, Wanglist?

* * *

Dear Sun Quan,

As for advice on ruling a kingdom, I would never have thought that you would ask me. Out of all the people in China, is an enemy ruler who would be so glad to see you fall and be taken over truly the best choice for mentorship? If you think so, you may hand over your kingdom at the earliest convenience.

But I will impart a few helpful words anyways.

First, get Lu Meng a therapist, a counselor, and a self-help book. He is several sticks short of a bundle and I have reason to believe he has been carrying on a masochistic sexual relationship with a minor. He is also convinced that every straight man he meets is a sad, depressed, and repressed gay man.

Second, take away Gan Ning's mail privileges.

Thirdly, get Ling Tong and Lu Xun some proper sex education. The former needs to know the meaning of "safe, non-risky sex" and the latter needs to know that babies do not come from aged tofu blocks.

Fourthly, get Zhou Yu a puppy training manual and directions to the nearest animal shelter.

Fifthly, write to your sister and send her a Sexual Minorities Appreciation pamphlet. I believe that she believes that you have forgotten about her and has no one to write to.

Sixthly, if you just bring in a group of psychiatrists your kingdom will be a functioning insane asylum.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

I am sorry that Wanglist did not let you put your wife up for adoption. However, this does not mean that I will take Xiao Qiao, much less both the Qiao sisters.

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

As requested, I have sent you your party dress. A few of the silk flowers fell off when the servants retrieved it from storage, but I had the flowers and a few extra sewn back on, good as new.

Love is like war. In this case, you are fighting an offensive battle. Guan Yu has powerful defenses, but I believe they can be overcome with strong, persistent attacks. You know what to do, Zhang He. Light up the world with your beauty. Show Guan Yu what beauty is until he swoons from it!

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

Oh my, I did not know that my general was that forward. I honestly have no idea why he is being so bold and forceful with you. Yes, I am well aware of Zhang He's affinity for strong men. No, I did not know that he would attempt to woo you so openly and persistently. No, I am sorry, but I have absolutely no clue of why he is doing so. I am sorry, I cannot recall him to the capitol or assign a replacement general.

No, I do not know why Lu Meng is sending you sex education pamphlets or pledging his support for your coming out. He must be misinformed. Why don't you explain and insist to him that you are straight?

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

Ah, it is only natural that despite coming out, Guan Yu is not entirely comfortable with his sexuality and can swing back on forth on the pendulum of denial. I understand that he would be very confused. Yes, I too believe that he needs all the exuberant encouragement from us other kingdoms as he can get. While we are at it, wouldn't it be good to send him a homosexual sex instruction manual as well?

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

Oh my, Lu Meng must be in denial about your straightness. But I believe that he had what he thought was your best interests in mind when he sent you that book. I am sure that he did not mean for you to take out every meal you ate in the last four days, to put you off of any consumption of sausage, or to insist that your men do not wrestle naked anymore. As for Zhang He taking that book out of your tent and waving it around in front of the whole army and offering hands-on instruction so that everyone thinks that you are a homosexual pervert, I am sorry to hear that and offer my sincerest support.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

I am sorry, but the gerbils in the zoo are currently in quarantine due to an outbreak of Mad Gerbil Disease. And we would not want to expose Xiao Qiao to it, would we? Perhaps it is best if you stop trying to find a place for her in the zoo and just keep in the South, far away from me.

* * *

Dear Secret Admirer,

Thank you for your letter. If you have any questions about me, please direct them to the Department of Public Correspondence.

As much as I appreciate a terrifying sexually aroused fangirl stalker, I would appreciate you going away and not standing in my garden with a stripper pole and a large and vulgar sign even more. Enclosed are a restraining order against you and a stamped statement banning you from Luoyang.

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

I am glad to hear from you, Cousin. But my decision to hold onto your spare cavalry holds. Do not worry; this is only a precaution.

As for that deranged nudist you saw in my garden, I believe that I have put a restraining order against her and should not be seeing her.

I hope that this letters finds you in good health and that we may meet again soon.

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

Cousin, what do you mean you saw her dressed as one of my maids and lurking around my bathroom?

A precaution against you eating them, of course.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

I am sorry; I have not heard from Ma Chao in a while. I will forward you any letter I receive from him as soon as I do. I am sorry, but my cavalry is currently preoccupied attacking your lord's borders while he is distracted by a plague of giant carnivorous birds.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi guys! Sorry, I know there were some great requests in the last chapter's reviews, but we promise we'll put them in next time! Still, feel free to make requests.

If you don't feel that a chapter is as funny as the others, please tell us and why! We want to keep up the standard.

* * *

Dear Ma Chao,

I am glad that you have found another organization with the answers to everything. I am also glad that it participates in peaceful community service and counseling for war victims. I am also glad that it is a free organization and not trying to scam you out of your money. It is good to know that your new organization fosters in-touch communication and connection amongst members.

However, isn't the Ladies' Secret Spring Orchid Society a secret society for women?

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Enclosed here is Ma Chao's latest letter to me. I think he is trying to join a women's organization this time. I believe that you had better find Ma Chao, and fast.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun,

Thank you for your letter. My health is fine, and I trust that yours is as well.

As for your concerns, I believe that I am still not the best adult to address them. It is probably best for you to ask someone other than Guan Ping about mature topics such as the ones you mentioned.

However, I find it difficult to believe that you really are as naive in these matters as your questions make you out to be. If I am correct, you have been sustaining a certain sort of nocturnal relationship with your mentor Lu Meng for quite a while now. Since you have direct experience in these matters, I believe that you do not need to ask me anything.

But if you have any questions, feel free to ask any senior official of _Wu._

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Thank you for your letter. I would like to politely request that you stop sending me mail asking that I take Xiao Qiao off of your hands. I do not know how to make it any clearer- I do not want either of the Qiao sisters. The Luoyang State Zoo has many strange and unbelievable creatures and treasures those unbelievable ones, but only when that unbelievableness is due to them being unbelievably exotic and rare, not unbelievably annoying. So I am sorry to say that Xiao Qiao does not qualify as an addition to the exotics section.

Thank you for your time.

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Yes, Luoyang State Zoo has a petting zoo for younger folk. Why do you ask? If you are planning a vacation up north, may I direct you to the Bureau of Tourism and Novelty Trade?

* * *

Dear Zhou Yu,

Please forgive my wording. The petting zoo caters _to_ small children. It does not _contain_ small children. I am sorry; we cannot put Xiao Qiao in the petting zoo.

But this is getting old. How can I get it across your head that I do not want either of the Qiao sisters?

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

No, there is nothing wrong with your brain. No, it is not a curse from your ancestors.

Your last letter details to me how you did not know how to respond when Lu Xun asked you about topics concerning sex education. You clearly state that you do not want to spoil his innocence or introduce him into the carnal adult world. However, I thought that having sex with him qualified as just exactly that. This confuses me.

Have you considered getting a therapist? I am sure that I am not the right person to ask.

* * *

Dear Lu Meng,

No, I did not mean to imply that there was something abnormal about you. However, engaging in anal intercourse with your seventeen-year-old student is a different story. You seem to need an outlet for your inner turmoil.

I am sorry to say that the most hopeful advice I can give is to stop sending me letters.

* * *

Dear Sun Quan,

Thank you for your letter. I am glad to hear that my advice has helped you, although I would have thought that any normal person would have known that if his field commander thinks that babies come from tofu and his generals think that safe sex is fisting on horseback with the safety strap on, intervention would be needed.

As for your other questions, I am afraid that I cannot advise you in those matters. And I am sorry that I cannot come down south to show you and Zhou Tai more ways to do it. I believe that the best course of action is to order an instruction manual. Enclosed are the addresses of a few publishers I frequent. I hope that helps and that you stop asking me about these matters.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Thank you for your letter. However, contrary to popular opinion, I do not possess any dark magic. And contrary to your opinion, I highly doubt that dark magic would improve those nocturnal activities you speak of in any way. And I am most certainly not using black magic to keep the emperor under my control. And I do not believe that you can use dark magic to persuade Ling Tong to do those acts with you of which you speak.

I believe Lord Sun has been distributing pamphlets of a certain topic. You would do well to read one and stop mailing me for you are just as obnoxious when sober.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

Well, yes, you have mailed me before. You have sent me letter many times before. I suppose that you were so drunk you couldn't remember, but I assure you, you have sent me many letters.

* * *

Dear Gan Ning,

I will choose to keep my reputation as the nastiest fox in the north and let you know what you wrote at the most inopportune moments.

* * *

Dear Sun Quan,

I am glad to hear that the books are helping you and Zhou Tai. As for your questions, there are helpful captions underneath the woodcuts that have tips on how to achieve the acts detailed in the book. You do not need to ask me for help every time you two encounter a difficulty or describe the problem in excruciating detail. You really do not.

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

I am glad to hear from you are your long period of silence. I extend to you my congratulations on ridding your kingdom of the carnivorous birds, finally. I also extend to you my thanks for several walled cities and a territory previously in your possession but are now in mine. Your observation is interesting. I would never have guessed that locking up Sun Shang Xiang in an empty room and not letting her out of your administrators' sight for her safety would have caused the birds to suddenly disappear. That is most intriguing and I have absolutely no idea what it could mean.

As for your questions, I do not believe that I am the best choice to ask for advice on those topics. I am sorry that you feel ignorant of the art of sex, but I am not a counselor, no matter what everyone seems to be thinking.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Hello again. I am sorry to hear about that. I would offer advice, but I have never had a wife lock me out of my house for staying out too late before. That is nasty. I would suggest that you sneak in through your back yard or install a trapdoor?

I can sympathize! We work so hard all day and all night, but the moment we go out for a night off for fun everyone stays yelling about how disgraceful it is. I simply don't understand how they don't understand. For me, I fool around for one moment and suddenly the word is that I am a deranged pervert trying to force myself on a virtuous woman. For the record, all I said was "Oh, is your husband around?" And that was because she looked like she was having trouble with her bags.

And lately, it seems that everyone in the Three Kingdoms has suddenly got the impression that I am some sort of sex counselor. You will not believe the letters I have been getting. It is _ridiculous. _Simply unbelievable.

* * *

Dear Secret Admirer,

Thank you for your letter. I am sorry that I am too busy to indulge your fantasies. And I plan on being too busy for the next ten thousand years. Allow me to remind you that there is a restraining order on you, and I only am replying to tell you that your fanclub does not have my approval.

* * *

Dear Ma Chao,

No, you getting rejected from the Ladies' Secret Spring Orchid Society is not your fault. It is not you at all. I am sure that you are a good person. But I believe that a women's exclusive society is for women. It is not you; it is your gender. It is something you were born with, and something that you cannot help. Do not take it so hard. I am sure that there are many other groups out there. But first, you should go home to Shu. Zhao Yun has been very worried, and you wouldn't want to make him upset, would you?

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

I have received another letter from Ma Chao. He is very upset and claims that his life has absolutely no meaning and that he was rejected from his Perfect Group. I am sorry that I cannot lend you my cavalry. I would advise you finding him faster.


	6. Chapter 6

Still trying to think of a Zhou Tai katana joke.

Requests make very good letter starters and help the flow of ideas. They are very good to have.

* * *

To the Bureau of Public Records:

As suggested, I am forwarding previous old letters I have found of political interactions. However, I do not think that they are as educational or philosophical as public opinion thinks…

* * *

_Archived Letter_ Dear Lu Bu,

WRITE. NEATER.

* * *

_Archived Letter_ Dear Lu Bu,

I am sorry, but although I forwarded your plea for amnesty, it was turned down, and I do not have the power to overturn this. I am but a minor warlord. I will write you a letter of recommendation to Yuan Shao though. We were friends, with the emphasis on the past tense, so I am not sure how much my word will count for.

_

* * *

Archived Letter_ Dear Yuan Shao,

Lu Bu's coming to ask for your help. I suggest that you invite him in and chop off his head. He is a threat to all of us.

_

* * *

Archived Letter_ Dear Lu Bu,

I said Yuan _Shao,_ not Yuan _Shu!_ Wrong Yuan! My Gods, are you a moron or something?

_

* * *

Archived Letter_ Dear Zhang Jiao,

Thank you for the pamphlets. All six hundred of them. As much as I appreciate it, I still think you're a lunatic fraud. Your forces are planning a march on me right now, and you're still trying to convert me?

_

* * *

Archived Letter _GUO JIA!

Fengxiao! Like how are you? I haven't seen you in sooooo long! Hehe, my handwriting is really messy when I'm drunk, isn't it?

Okay so today I ate lunch, then went and worked and then worked some more and then went back to work and then I did more work, and then before you know it it's three in the morning! And I was soooo tired and half-asleep that I thought, why not get drunk? So I did! Now I'm writing to you!

You're the best Fengxiao ever! I love you!

* * *

To the Bureau of Public Records:

It has come to my attention that I had inadvertently sent a personal letter of mine that is not meant for public records. It has great sentimental value to me so please do not read it and send it back right now. Thank you.

* * *

Dear Cai Wenji,

Absolutely no problem, Zhaoji. Your father would have wanted it.

I do admire your poetry very much. It exemplifies the style that is supposed to "sing in the viewer's mind for three days." After reading about your plight I was very touched.

As for remarriage, I will try to arrange the best match for you. Expect a matchmaker soon.

May I ask, what of your children?

* * *

Dear Cai Wenji,

You left them behind? With the barbarians? Far away in uncivilized lands? Well, I am not sure what to say.

* * *

Dear Zhen Ji,

What my son does in his private life is his business. Yes, I can meddle in what he eats, what horse he rides, what house he lives in, what poems he writes, and everything else, because that is my job and I willingly do it.

But what you are asking of me, to step in on your behalf against Guo Nuwang, is simply beyond the level of risk that I want to take.

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time a scholar chanced upon two cats fighting over a food bowl. When he stepped between the two to aid one, both cats promptly turned on him and ripped him to pieces and it was only by pure chance that someone found what was left of his body the next day and it was apparently a horrible and painful death.

The moral of the story is that no man should step in a catfight.

As for your inquest on my son Cao Zhi's health, he is fine. Why?

* * *

Dear Zhang Fei,

Oh, did you just find out? My, you are behind the times for the man who purports to be Guan Yu's sworn brother. I thought that you would have seen the signs long before any of us did. Perhaps you should be paying more attention to those close to you.

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

I am glad to hear from you again. I see that you have seen the letter I sent to Zhang Fei- I was referring to the fact that you are so distressed about everyone thinking that you are gay now, of course, not that you are actually gay.

I am sorry; Zhang He is an extremely talented general and he cannot be recalled from the border front right next to you right now. I suggest that you take advantage of your proximity to his camp and his clear good thoughts for you to visit him for a meal if he invites you, which I am sure he will, because it would help to prove that you are not afraid of the rumors.

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

Oh my, Guan Yu seems stressed of late. Would it not be good to invite him over for perhaps a meal and to help him relax a little bit? He is clearly smitten with you- if he accepts the invitation right away, it must be a sure sign.

* * *

Dear Zhang Fei,

Well, if you insist on showing my letters to your brother, I am afraid that I cannot talk freely… There are things that they would not want me to tell you. Good day.

* * *

Dear Zhang Fei,

Oh no, I would never tell you! It is not for your ears or eyes, and _they_ definitely would not want you to know. I believe it is best to keep denying anything. And it is certainly not my place to tell you anything. Good day.

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

Oh my, Zhang Fei has been acting strange and crazy and paranoid lately? I cannot think of any explanation… You know, because he is _your_ brother and all, not mine. In all honesty, if you, the one closest to him, do not know, what is the chance that I will?

Just keep telling him there's nothing going on, there's nothing there, you know, just keep on reassuring him that there is nothing hidden from him.

* * *

Dear Zhang Fei,

It sounds like a conspiracy! Be on your guard- you never know who knows what you-know-who knows or about you-know-what in you-know-where. You-know-who has probably told everyone else already, really, so you do not need to worry about you-know-what.

Oh nevermind, you don't know what. Excuse me. Believe me, they are denying it and telling you otherwise for your own good. Do I need to repeat? _For your own good, _Zhang Fei. Do not worry about it. And good day.

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

Well, he is probably mad then. Perhaps you should take him off duty for a while, until he recovers, so that he does not do anything.

* * *

Dear Zhang Fei,

_It's for your own good._ Believe me. Everyone knows except for you.

_

* * *

Archived Letter _Dear Lady,

You claim your name is Diao Chan, but there is no one known to be born to that name, nor to have taken that name. Because honestly, who wants to be called Brown Bug?

I must ask, who the hell are you?


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Zhao Yun,

A secret superhero, you say?

Yes, I have heard about this Splendid Mask fellow. Yes, I have heard of his exploits, and yes they seem awfully heroic, saving children from incoming wagons, rescuing puppies from drowning and the such… And helping old ladies cross the road (heavens only know WHY they would need help crossing though) and protecting young lovers from bandits and everything I read in the Good Man picture novels as a child…

Of course I am dying to know who he is…

But do you know what I am truly curious about?

How can you not recognize your own best friend behind a tiny black mask?

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

No, I am not implying that you wouldn't know Ma Chao if he saved you from Emergency Missing Toilet Paper in the middle of the night. I am merely wondering how good of a disguise a bandana over one's eyes is.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

You see, just because a tiny mask is good enough to fool _you_ doesn't mean it will get past a person with decent eyesight, you see.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

No, I am not implying anything.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Oh, never you mind, please do not mind me.

* * *

Dear Sun Quan,

I am writing to inform you that Ma Chao is gallivanting around your territory and to remind you of the bounty I am offering to turn him in.

* * *

Dear Sun Quan,

What do you mean he is not? I am speaking of the young man running around with a piece of black cloth tied over his face that looks like Ma Chao, acts like Ma Chao, looks like Ma Chao, and has every similarity in the world to Ma Chao except for that he says he is NOT Ma Chao!

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

I am writing to inform you that your missing general Ma Chao, who by all means should be leading the cavalry charge against Lu Xun and Lu Meng, is prancing around arresting petty thieves and repairing old ladies' leaky roofs.

While this is indeed a noble calling I believe that you might prefer that he be back with his responsibilities in your army.

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

Yes, I have received letters from Sun Quan as well… Yes, I have been reading the news about the masked stranger…

But no, I am not implying that Ma Chao has gone off to join the Splendid Mask. I am not suggesting that he has left his troops and you to hang around with the Splendid Mask. What I am saying, however, is that Ma Chao _is_ the Splendid Mask and that if you and Sun Quan cannot see the resemblance I am taking my army and running over your kingdoms to take advantage of the fact that _both of you_ have gone temporarily _blind as bats!_

* * *

Dear Liu Bei,

I had Juicing Juice With Fun Information Bits brand child snacks as a child as well. Yes I know bats are not blind.

You and your colleague Sun Quan, however…

* * *

Dear Printing Office,

Enclosed are the posters I want printed and pasted around. Please make the text for "The Splendid Mask is Ma Chao" as big as possible. However, do not worry if you cannot fit the part that says "if you cannot see this then you are as blind as a metaphorical bat and two certain rulers who might not be metaphors" on the bottom.

* * *

Dear Printing Office,

In response to your concerns that this is my idea of a slandering campaign, I can reassure you that this is most definitely not the case. It is simply the truth.

* * *

Dear Printing Office,

In response to your comments that I am so crafty that I would lie to my own printing office to reinforce a rumor, I assure you that it is not so. I am not tricking anyone or lying to anyone when I insist that the Splendid Mask is indeed Ma Chao in disguise. I am simply trying to get as many citizens as possible to realize that a scrap of black cloth should not even qualify as a wise disguise.

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

Hello dear General. I am glad to hear that Zhang He has stopped propositioning you in favor of loud shout-outs to our new hero. I suggest you enjoy it while it lasts, for when he discovers that it is Ma Chao he will surely jump back on you.

* * *

Dear Guan Yu,

I am sorry; I do not understand your question. What do you mean what do I mean when I say that the Splendid Mask is Ma Chao? Surely you in all your honor and virtue can see through a tiny piece of black cloth.

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

Yes, I have heard of your newfound admiration for a strange hero called the Splendid Mask. He mistook you for someone's concubine and safely escorted you to the local magistrate to protect your chastity? Most… Heroic, I suppose.

I can certainly hope that you milked your time with him to the fullest to press your affections onto him.

By the way, the Splendid Mask is Ma Chao on a soul-searching journey to make the world a better place. It is Ma Chao, I assure you.

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

My most elegant general, of course I know that you can spot Ma Chao's complexion from a mile away. But would you not say that the Splendid Mask has the exact same skin, so therefore is Ma Chao?

* * *

Dear Zhang He,

I take your words about my complexion and my personal taste to heart. But please continue with your border campaigning. Thank you.

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

Hello again cousin. I am glad to hear from you.

It is heartening that you have found an ally who helps you fight against bandits. However, your report that this same ally turns against you the moment you suggest an overly harsh punishment is most vexing.

I believe that your style of strict sternness is best in this case.

Besides, the Splendid Mask is Ma Chao and it would be a boon if you broke his leg.

By the way, by any chance, do I really have too many blackheads on my nose?

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

Cousin, I assure you, it is Ma Chao! You are a most steady and clear-sighted general. How can you not see that it is Ma Chao?

* * *

Dear Cao Ren,

Of course I know he's the Splendid Mask. But I also know that it is Ma Chao.

* * *

Dear Sima Yi,

That is an interesting proposition. So to rephrase you, if theoretically perhaps an officer just any random officer who was cleverer, wiser, more ambitious, and more stylish than an overdue ruler who would never see it coming were to maybe suddenly rise up and strike down that ruler in order to take his well-deserved and completely fitting place as the new emperor of the world just purely asking because it was just something you saw in a show of course, would the Splendid mask side with the commendable officer or the ruler?

Well, I suppose I would not know what the Splendid Mask would think, especially if theoretically possibly he holds a heavy grudge against one and a large hatred for the other, so I would not think that he would get involved in a coup d'état unless there were innocents and puppies involved.

But of course, I would insist it would not matter, especially if the ruler is well-established, has a solid base of support and power, and can predict a subversive subject from a mile away, especially if his army was secure and larger than anything the inferior could come up with, or if the inferior's troops all came from the ruler's army.

But all of this is purely hypothetical of course. It is an interesting mind game, no? It is a good thing that a ruler definitely does not need to worry about such insurrection, not if his subjects know what is best for them.

By the way, your cape does not match your pants and the tassels just do not work with your face shape.

* * *

Dear Xiahou Dun,

Dun-Dun, it's so nice to hear from you from the border. I am sorry to hear that you repeatedly are beaten back from invading. But it is good to hear that you are experimenting with new strains of rice. Keep busy, you know, and the extra crops are always good to have.

You are so sweet, cousin! I could just hug you but you are hundreds of _li_ away. It's very nice of you to offer to go kill the Splendid Mask for me! But it's okay.

Say, Dun-Dun, do you notice the resemblance between him and Ma Chao by any chance? Just asking.

* * *

Dear Dun-Dun,

Oh, I see. Well, it's fine, no, no reason at all, and no, I haven't seen Ma Chao either, but do you realize how, you know, how similar Ma Chao is to the Splendid Mask?

-They both have the same voice

-They both have the exact same hair, even though one has his tied back.

-They both have the same tagline

-They both look exactly the same except for one has a bandana with holes in it tied over his face

-They both talk the same

-They both mispronounce my style name in the same way

-The Splendid Mask does Ma Chao's signature flip, something that only he would do, and if Ma Chao saw someone other than himself doing it we would all hear of it.

* * *

Dear Dun-Dun,

Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind.

Let us just talk about rice. How is it going?

* * *

Dear Dun,

I said, do not make me repeat, _let us talk about your Heaven-damned rice!_

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I am glad to hear from you as well. I am sorry to hear that your wife is still not letting you back in your house and you have to live at your old schoolmate's place. I am sorry to hear that your old schoolmate makes Xiahou Yuan look like the pinnacle of high society. But look on the bright side, at least you have a roof over your head.

Ah, what is going on with me lately?

I refuse to say what is going on about me because I refuse to hear what you will have to say to what I have to say. I am much better off not hearing.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Well… Part of a broken, leaky roof is still a roof, is it not?

What do you mean you do not understand my last letter? I simply do not want to hear it.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

What do you mean what do I not want to hear! If I say it then you will say exactly that!

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

What do you mean I am acting most erratic and unusual? I am not erratic or unusual! I am most certainly not! I just don't want to hear what you will, without fail, say, when I say a certain thing, which I will not say, because if I do you will say it!

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I will not say, and do not call me illogical- it is logic that if I say it, and it is what it is, then you will respond to it by saying exactly what I cannot bear to hear, not from you too, so I cannot tell you what it is!

But what I can say is that I hold a strong belief that a certain upholding of justice might start wandering where he is not wanted…


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I see. Yes, it is understandable that after, I quote you, 'living in a filthy pigsty' that your old friend 'can't even get off his ass to clean or take out the trash once in a while' with a man who 'wears the same damn underwear everyday' and consistently leaves the toilet seat up, you might feel a bit frustrated… I am sorry to hear about your fight with your old schoolmate, although I admit that perhaps throwing away his wine lid collection might have been a bit harsh. Every man needs his hobbies.

I agree, him accusing you of turning into your wife is harsh as well. But Zhuge Liang, although I do not know Yue Ying, I have to admit that your angry words to him did seem a bit, well, on the feminine side? I mean that you sound just like my wife.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang.

No, I never said any of the things you wrote on six pages of paper. I assure you I do not take you for granted, nor am I thinking of abandoning you for, ahem, whatever a 'newer model' is.

Never think that no one appreciates you. Trust me, I know from experience. When everyone is just shoveling work onto you and asking you to handle the problems of the world and when you mess up once all of a sudden you're the worst thing to come out of a donkey's rear, it only _seems_ like no one knows what you've done and it's not true that no one appreciates you. Well, actually, it probably _is_ true. But that's not the point.

I am positive that when a man works hard and well enough, eventually everyone will realize what a hard worker and genius he has been and maybe cut him just a little bit of slack. …Then again, that's what I've been telling myself for the last twenty years.

So yes, Zhuge Liang, no one appreciates you. But look on the bright side, _no one appreciates me either._ I suppose this makes us true _men._

Now stop complaining about your hips. Trust me, they're fine and you don't look fat.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

It took me about four hours to decode your letter and two minutes to read it, just so you know.

Well, I am glad that you have temporarily acquired new lodgings and have recovered what little masculinity remains to you. As for your request for suggestions on how to erase your tracks, yes, I do know a thing or two about fleeing for your life from wrathful demon incarnates that want to rend you from limb to limb. But don't you think that that's a bit, you know, uncalled for? She's only your wife.

I am merely suggesting that your sudden bout of paranoia about Yue Ying chasing you down might be a bit, you know, unreasonable. How bad can she be? You are, after all, the Sleeping Dragon, Liu Bei's foremost adviser and the sage of Shu. It can't be something you can't deal with.

I see your situation. Well, many men find that when they are cut off from their family and most of their friends are, ah, as you put it 'moronic nutjobs,' they do start to question the will of heaven. But never fear, I'm sure your wife will return to her senses soon and let you back in your house.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

Well, of course I do not know your wife. What of her?

* * *

Dear Yue Ying,

Greeting Lady Dragon. I am very pleased to meet your acquaintance. Thank you for enquiring after my health and my children's health.

As for your husband Kongming, I don't know anything about him. Go ask someone else because I definitely do not know.

* * *

Dear Yue Ying,

Me? Yes I am of good health currently… What exactly do you mean by asking me if I want to stay that way?

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I will probably regret asking this, but what exactly is a 'Cosmic Skull Smash?'

* * *

Dear Yue Ying,

Lady Dragon, I am truly sorry to hear about your situation with your husband. I am truly sympathetic. How horrible it must be to have such a no-good lazy louse around, although in his defense when a man has so many things on his mind it is no one's fault that the issues concerning toilet seats might slip his mind. Still, he seems like an utterly horrible person and an absolute wretch. I wholeheartedly agree with your analysis of him and why he is the sorriest excuse for a human being ever to set foot under this heaven. What an awful man Zhuge Liang is!

Of course I know nothing of your husband. What makes you think that we are even in contact, much less exchanging tips on how to escape your inhuman wrath?

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang:

I see now. And your wife just wrote me some rather politely worded letters. You already know she's mad enough to slaughter innocents, so I suppose I don't have to tell you that.

I have denied everything. Burn this letter at once, board your door, shave off your beard, and dye your hair.

Kongming. I swear by the heavens she catches us if I get dragged down with you, my remaining heirs will sue yours for all I'm worth. Think about this before incriminating both of us to Yue Ying.

* * *

Quickly written. I hope it's decent. Anyways, this doesn't have all that much to do with the current plots running around, but after someone suggested that letters be written from Yue Ying as well, I lit up a lightbulb, dropped everything I was doing, and this is the result.


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Pang De,

My dear friend and steadfast general. What a surprise to hear from you again! I was sorely surprised to see you vanish off right after you arrived. I was worried that I was to lose a fine man like you so soon. I mean, I didn't think that you would desert me so soon after you had deserted Ma Teng. But as long as you have returned _for good_ and do not plan on taking any more little prolonged, unannounced vacations to the enemy territories and distributing a rather large stack of résumés there, I do not think that we will have any issues in not terminating you- I mean, your employment here _in Wei_, of course.

But my wonderfully loyal and filial general- you are right on time to resume service. I need your aid for something. Do you recall Ma Teng's son Ma Chao?

* * *

Dear Pang De,

I am glad that you remember Ma Chao so vividly. And I certainly did not know that about him. Thank you very much for sharing details of his rather delayed potty training. I will keep that in mind in the very unlikely case that it is ever relevant to anything that I ever do in life.

Well, if he gives you any trouble for deserting Ma Teng, just remind him that Ma Teng himself deserted Wang Guo, right after deserting Geng Bi without even writing a resignation. If that is not being inconsiderate I do not know what is. I wonder if he even knows how much paperwork he created for his ex-employer.

Either way, have you heard of the Black Mask who is going around sneaking into little boys' rooms at night?

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

Well, I am extremely flattered that you heard about me through your brother Guan Ping and Lu Xun. However, I feel that I need to correct you three things.

First, Lu Xun is an orphan, so his father is dead and is certainly not looking for a suitable young husband for "such a pretty daughter."

Secondly, I am _not_ the editor of Junior Misters; I am _not_ an advice column. I have absolutely no idea where you got the idea that I am 'a fatherly figure' who can 'guide and mentor growing men into healthy, well-adjusted manly individuals.' I am nothing of that sort. I am a cruel and conniving warlord- if I can't even raise my own sons to not have some severe psychological defect in one way or another, what is the chance that I can help you? Not a very large chance at all!

Besides, you have your own father. You are not even adopted like your brother was, so you really have no excuse for not going to go bother him instead.

And thirdly, Lu Xun is not a girl.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

The return of Pang De has given me quite an inspiration.

I have thought of a way to end this disgusting insanity. We will get Ma Chao _back_ to Shu and _away_ from the rest of us, and we will get you into your house safely and make your wife not want to kill you anymore.

So yes, in response to your previous letter, I do have a plan. However, that plan has a flaw. The flaw is this: I cannot think of anyone who meets the criteria for it.

The person I use must be so idiotic and moronic that he cannot think himself out of a paper bag. He needs to be stupid _beyond_ common foolishness. His IQ must not exceed that of a small mushroom.

Also, our fellow must be physically resilient enough to be tied naked in the middle of sub-zero weather while flaming arrows are shooting at him. (This is also why he needs to be stupid- can't have him wondering, after all.)

I was considering Liu Shan, but even his feeble mind would not be foolish enough to act naturally in the plan. Plus, I don't think he'd last.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

It is not the physical part that is the problem. I can think of many men men strong enough, just off the top of my head- like the General Gan. If he can not only survive but _enjoy_ his rather interesting sex life with General Ling, he can take anything we throw at him.

The problem is that I simply cannot think of anyone stupid enough to do this.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang:

How did I not think of that? My goodness, you are the Sleeping Dragon for a reason. Yes, he is _perfect!_ I will write to him directly!

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Hello, Little Dragon. I am glad to hear from you again.

I have been thinking of you often. I was simply remembering how blown away I was by not only your physical might and grand strength, but also your keen intellect and the sharpness of your mind, with your ability to see through every situation that one might pull on you! And of course, what thought of you is complete without a full examination of your peerless and uncompromising virtue?

As I was thinking of a certain action to take, I knew that I needed a man so unrivaled in certain abilities that _none_ can overtake him in his greatest strengths. Naturally, as anyone would, I thought of _you._ What mission you can undertake, no one else is qualified for.

I have a proposition to you. And before you rip up this letter and come running to my door claiming that I am trying to recruit you, it is a proposition for an alliance for the good of Shu.

Would you like Ma Chao and Zhuge Liang to return to you? You are the only one who can do it.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Excellent. I knew that you are an honorable and righteous person who will take the opportunity to save two of his dearest friends.

So you agree- you will do whatever I tell you to, without question or protest? No matter how strange? _Without question?_

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Yes, _save._ For at least Zhuge Liang is facing the most dangerous enemy of his life… That is all I can tell you until we bring them back safely to Shu. If you trust Zhuge Liang you will inquire no more about it until then.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Then we are agreed. I look forward to working with your prodigious talents.

You are the only one who can save them.

Meet me in the Pirate's Balls pub in Wu. And bring your most comfortable undergarments.

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

Oh no, remember? No questions, or else you cannot save your friends!

* * *

Dear Zhao Yun,

I am glad you understand so easily. I will see you then.

* * *

Dear Zhuge Liang,

I am writing to congratulate you on surviving your years of service with Zhao Yun.

You were right. He's overqualified for this job.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

Well, yes, Guan Ping was adopted before Guan Yu had you. I thought it was common knowledge, but apparently it wasn't common enough to have reached your ears? No, you are not actually blood relatives.

* * *

Guan Suo:

No. However theoretical or hypothetical that situation is, it is still incest. Don't do it.

Perhaps you should consider branching out in your search for help to someone other than your country's sworn nemesis.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

You have the wrong impression. I am not trying to cut you away from any possible romantic relationship in your future. I am merely suggesting that perhaps you should look _outside_ your family for it.

Either way, I am positive that an adult closer to you would be a much better source of guidance.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

No. Lu Xun is still a boy. But this does not change the fact that you need to stop writing to me for advice.

* * *

Dear Ling Tong,

I am very sorry to hear that you still have not found Gan Ning. However, I do not know where either of you got the idea that I have dark magical abilities.

Even if I did have the powers of evil beyond this world, I would be using them to conquer the land under my iron fist, not to help you look for you idiotic boyfriend.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

I think you have the wrong impression of me in mind.

I am the grand ruthless Prime Minister. I order massacres of entire provinces and grind the bones of my enemies under my feet, while stealing their wives and daughters as my concubines. I backstab people, lie, cheat, bribe, and murder those who get in my way. Every vile accusation your father's oath brother makes about me is true, and if it is not, I _will make it true. _

In other words, I am not a relationship counselor.

* * *

Dear Liu Shan,

HELLO AH-DOU.

I see that you have grown much too smart for your coloring books! You are such a clever boy. Your father must be _very_ proud of you.

You are not an idiot. You are just very special and unique- there is no other like you in the world! There are many very smart people but there is only one Liu Shan. You are a special snowflake. You are so special that you get to play a game with me. It's called I-Spy. If you can spy with your little eye a scroll in Zhuge Liang's room that says "Battle Plans" on it, then you win a prize!

But you have to send me the scroll first to prove that you really did find it.

THAT IS FUN!

-UNCLE CAO

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

No.

Stop writing to me.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

Stop writing to me.

* * *

Dear Xiahou Ba,

Hello. It is good to hear from you again, son of my dear cousin. We have missed you dearly here in Wei and were not expecting a letter from one of our fine filial sons. I had thought that since you betrayed your family and kingdom and defected to our most hated enemy, you would have stopped writing to us and cut off contact like a decent person with even the smallest iota of virtue should. So as you can see, I am very pleasantly surprised that you have chosen to maintain contact with us.

I hope that you are doing well in Shu. From my spies' reports, they are treating you quite well. This relieves my old heart greatly to hear that you are in good condition and that they are taking care of you, for when you first defected I was afraid for your wellbeing, as I was unsure of how well Shu would take to adopting ungrateful blood-traitor unfilial horse-stealing young teenage boys. But clearly they have no prejudices against the scummiest of sons! How nice.

As for your request for your birth certificate and forms, I am very sorry that I cannot find them anywhere. I believe that they might have been burned along with your effigy and remaining possessions. My sincerest apologies, young one. However, it is probably to a good end now, considering your request for a name change. I am quite curious… Why do you want to add 'bei' to the front of your given name? If you ask me, Xiahou Beiba[1] sounds a tad bit… Odd.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

I do not care. Stop writing to me.

* * *

Dear Guan Suo,

How about this- if I ever find an imbecile who is even _half_ as persistant in being as infuriatingly irritating as you, I will definitely send him or her your way.

Now stop writing to me or I am going to invade Changsha.

* * *

Dear Lu Xun, Guan Ping, and Guan Suo,

No.

* * *

[1] Say it aloud. If you do not get it then, ask someone else to say it aloud and listen.


End file.
